Erase yer head and walk away...

I remember the first time I listened to Eraserheads' album, ultraelectromagneticpop, it was the summer of 1994, I was 10 and my older sister, Ate Joy, made me and my younger sister, RA, listen to the tape while we were making ice candy that we sold during summer season. Definitely one of the best memories of my childhood. After that I'd gotten the next 3 albums. By the time of Cutterpillow's release, I also added Soundgarden and Nirvana to my collection.. music that Pank Zappa was listening to. It was 1996, and I remember crying after watching the video for "Ang Huling El Bimbo" released on some Sunday lunchtime show on GMA 7. On the same year, I got to see my first Eraserheads concert in my other sister's, Ate Nona, school. It was my first time to see a gig, and it changed my life.

At that point in time, I was going through some rough personal family issues and listening to the Eraserheads albums was one of the few things that made my life feel normal then. Their music was my refuge. Those few precious minutes of being transported into this world where love is present in all things, of Pank Zappa and Superproxy brought me some hope that made me believe that there is a world where my problems aren't too painful, and that no hurtful thing can take their music away from me.

Through the years of listening to the Eraserheads on my radio, I've told Nico that hearing Ely's voice soooo many times over has grown so familiar to me that it became special and distinct, like knowing a family member approaching only by hearing the distinct rhythm and weight of their footsteps on the hallway. It was the only music that brought me comfort, not even mashed potatoes or clover chips can provide that same warm feeling inside.

Nico told me that Eraserheads fans were not just "fans", we were obsessed fanatics. He spent the 90's abroad, and so he has no idea of the zeitgeist, as Chuckie puts it, that the Eraserheads triggered. So he was my objective observer, the one, rare person in the world of Circus and Cutterpillow that saw the whole thing for what it was. When he posted Betamax in youtube, he was so confused by the responses that talked about the e-heads on the sandwich video, why so many comments felt angry that raims didn't even mention the eraserheads, and this of course sparked other comments just talking about "those days". Nico seemed perturbed how a disbanded group can possibly upstage, in talk, the featured artist and how these fans claimed ownership over the decisions of the eraserheads; that no matter how far ahead we are from the cutterpillow and pare ko days, there still seems to be plenty of heartache and prattle behind each of the members' post eraserheads musical careers. 

So forward to 2008, I managed to get in the SVIP, and Myrene and the people from Soupstar kept texting to remind me to arrive early at the event to get some good parking spots. I was there at exactly 4 pm, managed to get a good parking spot and entered the SVIP area. At that point, the only people I saw I knew were Cynthia and Arnold Arre, couple of friends from the VIP section and some heads at Sony BMG. My sisters and I camped on the front row, as in FRONT ROW TO THE WHOLE FUCKING EVENT. I guessed that the whole crowd would've been at 100K, because seeing the map, I think the venue pretty much filled up. So we waited until 8:15, and our adrenaline was more than enough to keep us on our toes the whole time.

The last time I was in a big venue to watch a concert was when Bush played in '97(?), so it's been more than a decade since I've experienced arena rock once more. The excitement at the front was just electric, before the set began, while the countdown was ongoing, there was the media people in front of us taking pictures and conducting interviews with the crowd. There was a buzz, and I couldn't wait to see the band together once more on the stage. I couldn't believe that a local band could get that much people and the stage was design was first-class, marvelous and wicked. 

The thing that really caught my attention during the first song wasn't the great fireworks or the fact that they were finally playing but seeing raims wearing a wig circa ultraelectro. It was unbelievable. He knew the joke was on us. I couldn't stop shrieking, all I could say was "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD", like I've won the lottery or seen the face of God. The music was intoxicating, I was high, and seeing the fireworks at the end of the song was just an incredible feeling - it was as if I'm 11 years old again, but here I am seeing them live, and that everything in life will be OK. Our spot was so sweet that their monitors/idiot boards were directly down me. I knew what songs were next, and if I didn't know the lyrics, I could've just read the screens and then it would've been stadium karaoke night for me. Best of all, it was as if Ely was looking at us. So I told my sister I shouldn't read the screen anymore so that the excitement and mystery would still linger and my shrieks would be of genuine surprise. By the time they sang "With A Smile", my very sweaty and out of placed husband put his arms around me and hugged me while the band played. He knew when I die I would want the song to be played during my wake, and it sounds weird and dreadful, but at that moment I couldn't be happier that I married the perfect guy. 

When Ely sang Lightyears, he put his shades down and all I have in my head running is he just lost his mom. I've felt his words etched in pain more than ever before, how one seems near but still is lightyears away.

As the 20 minute band break was ongoing, a lighting director told Quark, who was standing behind us, of some terrible news, that Ely was rushed to the hospital. I looked at DK, and she confirmed it. Then moments later, Jamie told us of the news. I was stunned, but I also decided to leave ASAP to avoid the crowd piling the exits, and the impending gloom from a hundred thousand fans. 

In the car, I was still stunned. I couldn't say any comprehensible word from Makati to Cubao. And when I did, I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even text Ristalle to meet up, I was just too sad. Not sad for the gig ending mid-set, I could've been happy with just one song. It was just so sad that after 6 years - amidst all the alleged squabbles and issues, when 'heads already finally decided to come together, IMHO - for the music, Ely's body couldn't take it. So I took my two sisters home, went home as well to shower. All this time I'm thinking worst-case scenario, and it felt so heavy. Nico was comforting me, telling me that things could've been worse, and that it was still a good show. He told me that most fans of the 'heads are just an inch away from complete obsession with them, and that being simply human - it is still just a gig and these guys also need a break from all the made-up drama that fans surround them.DK texted me that the Guijo after party was still happening and Camyl texted me to see her there as well. He encouraged me to go out to Guijo and just talk about it with other fans. After the shower, i felt a little bit better. Got dressed and headed out.

The mood in Guijo was a subdued mixture of disappointment, worry, happiness and nostalgia. Behind every smile was a forlorn look that quickly followed by comments like "hey, the show was great... but how're you?" And it sincerely asked about one's feelings for the night. The good news was Ely was in stable condition.  After a few minutes of arriving, there was a buzz and then buddy and raims headed to the stage. And then everyone followed, Kris got a guitar, Ebe soon followed and Vin got to the mic. And THEY FRIGGING STARTED TO SING MAGASIN. 

Madness ensued.

This was the eraserheads. This was OUR eraserheads reunion 2nd set, because this was just US. Everyone in the room sang, it didn't matter who was at the mic. The band was just there to assist everyone to purge all feelings, memories and to commemorate the greatness that is the eraserheads. And the gig was such a contrast to the Fort stage. No state of the art stage production, raims and buddy didn't even have their complete instrument set up, there was no 5 meter barricade from the artists, there were only a about, at the most, 200 hundred people in the crowd, free beer getting served, there were no SVIP sections, no security guys, swanky buffet food, no press. But there we were shouting Tang Ina to Pare Ko, singing Tito vic and joey with Aia on Spolarium, doing our lalalala-la-las to El Bimbo. 

And this was my moment of clarity, my epiphany: 

We are the eraserheads. Wala na sila. Disbanded na sila 6 years ago, pero nandito pa tayong lahat. And whatever greatness they have left, is not on a stage shared by these four people, their greatness truly lies in us. In uniting us and giving us the dream to be legendary as well. I left Saguijo leaving so much happier and wiser that night. I finally gave in to my fan-girl self and told Buddy that they've changed my life in more ways than they can imagine. They might have inspired me, but I still did all the legwork to change my life.

This was the best gig of my life.